Super Calamaristic

The Colossal Squid..... is well, f*cking colossal!!! At 43 feet long, its 3 feet bigger than a school bus! It's eyes are as big as dinner plates... They are bigger in size than their more well know cousin the Giant Squid. The largest known specimen of Colossal Squid weighed in at 990 pounds... Could you imagine the amount of fried calamari you'd get outta one of these things!! Scientists said the calamari rings from a Colossal Squid would be as big as tractor tires! You'd need lotsa lemon wedges and marinara sauce (pronounced "Saw-uhs"in Jersey) for those!!

I worked my way southeast across Jersey to the coast today, so I packed a rod & some lures figuring that I could try to catch a fish during lunch... No such luck.. The wind was fierce & I called it quits & went back to work after 15 min... So, the Colossal Squid is safe for another day.... But I will try again!!!!!

coffee cleaning

Well, this is what happens when you are tired & trying to cleaning up the mess from dinner, loading the dishwasher & making the coffee all at the same time. Something has to give... If you look at the attached picture, it's obvious that the dishwasher caught the brunt of some fast motion- post work shuffling. The detergent tray of the dishwasher was filled with Jersey's finest blend... Maxwell House Lite! Yes, we even drink lite coffee!!!!! Are you shocked? Now Maggie was the one who put the coffee in the d/w. She blaimed it on "pregnancy brain"... But I too do stuff like this, & I ain't pregnant! I've put fish food in the freezer.... etc. Hey it happens!

bathroom construction

Our little slice of the american dream has been in a constant state of renovation since we bought it. So with a new child on the way we've been trying to get the interior remodeling finished before B-day. Well, with 8 weeks left before parenthood I needed assistance in hanging the cieling in the freshly demolished & re-walled upstairs bathroom. My good 'ol Dad donated his time to help us out. Now I have to tell you that out house was constructed by people who knew nothing about carpentry. None of the walls were "true" or "Plumb", both terms for being straight & square. See, most rooms are square or rectangular in nature. They require 90 degree angles to make construcing them easy. When care isn't taken by a carpenter & the room isn't made with true 90 degree angles cutting the sheetrock for walls or cielings can be a real hardship. During the demolition of our upstairs bathroom I decided to sheetrock over the old cieling & not rip it out. Since we couldn't see the studs to nail into, so we had to use a stud finder to "see" where they were. Common practice is that a stud should be in a wall or cieling every 16". Well in our cieling it's 16", then 13.5" then 19"... not too good... Because (pronounced bee-cawse in Jersey) the walls were 3" out of square (the room was very trapozoidish) we had to use a roll of 4' wide brown paper to make a series of templates that we stapled & taped to the cieling in order get a realistic idea of what we were dealing with. Then we took the templates & taped them to sheets of sheetrock. We cut out the shapes of the templates, walked them up the stairs & screwed them into place. Chalk lines were snapped & screws were sunk. 7 hours later, our cieling was hung!! Thanks Dad!!

Hail Crumbs Artie Lange Cupcakes!

Now there are cupcakes... & then there are CUUUUPCAKES!

I was fortunate enough to recieve a 6 pack of "Artie Lange Cupcakes" from Crumbs Bakery in good 'ol NYC (thanks Trish 'n Randy!! WANG!!). If you're familiar with the Howard Stern Show, these are the sinfully delicious cupcakes heralded by Atrie Lange weekly during "cupcake Wednesday". Every Wednesday Crumbs Bakery sends down cupcakes, and every Wednesday Artie tells the audience how delicious they are. The heavy set funny man consumes super human quantities of these delights & washes them down with Hawian Punch. Now one may be inclined to shrug off Langes' glowing reviews of the cupcakes for a myriad of reasons. Obviously, for one he is a portly chap who has a passion for food & would probably wax poetic over any free confectionary placed in front of him. Well, let me assure you that these cupcakes are deserved of any & every accolade our language can apply to them! Thank God I only recieved 6, anymore could be harmful to a persons health & sanity! They are absolutely the best cupcake on the planet! If you have a sweet tooth, & enjoy desserts then you simply must try these cupcakes. I rate them a 12 out of 10 & promise they will not dissappoint you!

Created exclusively by Artie Lange of the Howard Stern Show. This amazing cupcake has it all...vanilla sponge cake with chocolate buttercream filling and Crumbs signature vanilla frosting topped with a layer of chocolate fondant and then finished with chocolate and vanilla sprinkles around the edge. Like Artie's uncompromising personality, the cupcake is perfect for those who can't choose between chocolate and vanilla.

Neti Pot

"Nasal douching is an effective treatment for sinus problems. People with chronic sinus conditions should use a nasal douche daily, as it promotes drainage of the sinuses & speeds healing of the inflamed tissues. In the case of an acute sinus infection, it is important to do so even more frequently, up to four times per day." - Dr. Andrew Weil

Today I had my first nasal douching, as I have been suffering with a head cold for the better part of a week. This simple fact the I was willing to douche my head proves how far a person will go in order to get relief from sinus pressure.

To get started all you need is a "Neti Pot" & "Neti Salt". The Neti Pot resembles a chinese tea pot. You mix a 1/4 tsp of Neti salt to 1/2 cup of warm water in the Neti Pot. Then you tip your Neti head sideways over the sink, insert the Neti spout into the upfacing nostril & pour the Neti douche sollution, letting it flow through your head & draining out the opposite nostril. Sound fun right!!??!! Well it is a very odd feeling to say the least. It kind of burns, like as if sea water was being flushed through the inner most passages of your head, and your eyes may feel like they are gonna pop out. As the Neti douche water drains from the catacombs of the sinuses, a stunning mass of "ickies" begins to evacuate the nostrils. After a few blows of the nose, it is recommmended that you bend at the waste & point your head to the floor. This helps drain any remaning Neti douche water. Then blow out the nose again & it's all over. I hope it helps me out!! They say this proceedure is common in China & the far east. Oh, you might want to clean out the sink after douching... the amount of "ickies" is impressive..... The one thing I learned tonight is, "boy, there's nothing like a good nasal douching!"

Megaccioli

God bless the camara cell phones we all carry these days. They allow me to share my strange observations with yous all. Now in a previous post I mentioned that I have a weakness for pasta. So every time I'm in the supermarket I wander the pasta aisle looking for a good deal, or something that I've never seen before. Yesterday was no exception. I strolled the pasta section & began selecting the noodles I was going to purchase. I noticed the most interesting form of penne pasta I've ever seen. These where a ginormous version I dubbed the "megaccioli". Now being a full fledges member of the "pasta-razzi" I had to snap a picture of this high gluten super star. Notice the picture to the left, now that's an impressive piece of ziti right!!!!!??!! Could you imagine getting these Bunyan sized pasta tubes as a side to your favorite parmagian dinner?? Or even better baked or with vodka sauce!! Now that would be cool!!

Welcome To Kenvil!!!!!

Yeah, I feel a 'lil punchy today... I sais what the heck, lets do 2 posts today!. So here is a colage of images that remind me of our 'lil slice of Heaven.... Kenvil!! Don't laugh at granny, she's got her eye on you!!!!!!!!!!!

South of the North...

Your probably thinking "huh, south of the north??? What the hell are you talking about?". Well, allow me to explain.

Nascar flags & bumper stickers... check, mullet haircut... check, American/POW-MIA/Rebel flag... check, Budweiser... check, pick-up that is larger than your house (parked on the front lawn)... check, caterpillar hat... check, tatoos... got'em, teeth... optional, motor cycle/dirtbike/4 wheeler..... check... If your on the hunt for anything on this check list, you may think that a trip below the Mason-Dickson Line is in order. Well, you don't have to take the 'ol RV that far.. We have a great little piece of the south, right here in NW Jersey...

Here in Kenvil if you didn't look at the liscence plates on the cars (usually in various states of decomposition & parked on the front lawn) you'd swear that you were in the stereo typical backwater southern town. Let me learn 'yall 'bout whats I means.. See here in Kenvil (like in 'bama or Georgia) if you have an old truck tire or bathtub (actually saw a toilet once), you got yourself a great front lawn plant holder. Old refrig.... that ain't trash, it's great porch furnishings!! Spair TV, put it on your detached deck that's in the middle of your back yard. This way you can share your beer guzzling tv watching escapades with the whole neighborhood!! After all, nothing says "howdy Neighbor!" like a blairing TV set, fire, tiki torches & drunken laughter at 10:00 PM on a Sunday nite! Fireworks!!!! Oh do the hill people love fireworks!! Every night in the summer is like the 4th of July!! They must be very patriotic people! Now here is what I find fascinating about the indigenous peoples of this appalachian region. They may have a perfecty usable driveway, but actually prefer to park their vehicles (bondo on wheels) on their front lawns?? I don't understand why, but it is the most common style of vehicle (working or not) storage. Bushes... Why trim them?? If they grow big enough then they'll cover the house & they won't have to paint it! Why is it that the HP have such a love for animals?? It's like manditory for them to have at least 2 dogs, a few cats & maybe a ferret or some other aromatic creature... Oh & lest we forget the cigarettes... nothing says Kenvil like a guy in a sleeveless pro wrestling shirt smoking a Marlboro & throwing back a Bud can, standing on his porch next to his old fridge, admiring his new extended cab F-350 pickup truck that's parked in his front lawn next to the old rusty F-250 that's near the old tire flower planter and the over grown bushes with christmas lights on them (in july). People... It's something you just have to see to believe!!

F*ckin' Pasta!!!!

It's late.... You've had a long day.... You're starving.... What to do????? PASTA SALVATION!!!! In 20 min. you can whip up a tasty filling meal!! I'm a pastaholic.. I love the stuff.. Yeah, it may not be the healthiest dinner. But it is delicious!!! You can make a great quick marinara sauce and a salad while the macaroni is cooking & there you go!!

It's all about being al dente, or in common terms, a little crunchy. Nothing worse than mushy over cooked pasta.. & please don't break the noodles in half before boiling.... I hate that!!

We had pasta tonight & it was darn good!! Good enough to inspire me to take a few minutes to blog about it!! Well, we didn't have a salad... But we eat salad every other nite!! Fettucine was the choice of noodle tonight. We haven't had it in a while! & it was sooooooooooooo delish!!

I gots to go cuz it's time for my babuhs book club!

My hate dies w/ Boston

Here I am watching a 7-3 Yankee lead over the Redsox & what happens?.... Wang can't get an out in the 5th & gets yanked w/ a 7-6 lead, turning it over to a depleted pen........ God I hate these f*cking Redsox..... We'll see how it turns out, as it's still the 5th!!!!

On a posative note my friend helped me get the last of the sheetrock needed to finish the upstairs.

Also, we booked our definate last trip to A.C. before baby time. Staying at Harrah's over at the marina. We gotta real nice room too!!! Plasma flat screen & everything! Of course we had to pay for it..... It's gonna be for my birthday celebration!!!

tie game..... 7-7..... I just barfed.... talk to yous 2morrow....

Comb Over

The Comb Over...... is a blight on our society & must be stopped. Now all of us know, or are related to someone who sports the dreaded Comb Over. My own Dad suffers from this horrible affliction.. In fact people have called his rugged version of the dew "the Ultimate Comb Over"...... An Ultimte Comb Over is when a flap of hair, no less than 3 feet long is stretched over the entire bald zone, which has to be at least 45%-60% of the cranium & hairsprayed into position. Usually the back & opposite side of the flap are grown longer in a futile attempt at blending everything together. Once in place, a UCO needs constant maintenence. I mean if there is a strong breeze or rain, forget it!!!! The yankee stadium ground crew would have a hard time keeping an UCO in position out in the elements... I understand the motivation to comb over. People want to look "good" or what their or societies perception of good is. But what they can't see is how rediculous it looks. They are so fixated with glooing anything over their bald spot they miss what is so obvious to everyone else.... People aren't supposed to look like they have a sparrow'a nest on their heads.... It looks un-natural!!!!!

Still on a high!!

Well, I'm still on a high from my score down in A.C. (see example to right), It's a great feeling actually winning for once in your life... Still I can't help but imagine what it would've been like of the first reel stopped on x10 instead of the 7.. Oh MY!!!!!!!!

So yesterday was pre baby house room re-assignment day. My buddy came over to help bring the couch into the newly repainted basement area. This is now going to be the living/family room at Casa de Paul. Then Amy helped me to get the TV & chair down there. While I was setting up the electronics in the basement, Amy & my Bubuh took apart the table & re-assembled it in the former living room. You see the scumbags (the Davidoffs, or "Dirtyoffs" as we call them) that had our house before us made one of the 1st floor bed rooms into the dining room?? I know, thats weird right!!??!! Well not no more it aint!!!! Now the former dining room will be a den area, & the old living room is a nice functional dining room. Unfortunately I had a nervous breakdown trying to hook up a surround sound system into the TV & after about 5 hours of trying to get the thing to work I had to rip it out & put it back into the box.... You see me & electronics don't mix..... So I guess this thing is ebay bound cuz when I look at the box my blood pressure goes up & I want to smash it.... Oh well, too bad the Yankees layed an egg vs the dreaded Redsux... Oh well, they have to play them 15 more times so I'm sure they'll have their day....

So after the past 2 weeks of deviating from my healthy diet, I am back on the wagon... Gone are the pizza, pasta & beers..... Back are lentils, beans & salad.... Hopefully I can drop some weight, lower my BP, & lose a cup size on my man boobs...

oh my

Baby class today... movies.... many movies..... like watching a football being forced through a bagel..... Oh OOOOHHHH!!! Not trauma-tized though... Not even after the fully nude hippy lady birth...... or the explanation of a taint being ripped.... Or finding out that my diaper skillz suck arse.... I still plan on winning hubby/dad of the year awards this year!!!!!!

3934

You've all probably heard the old saying "some days you have it & some days you don't", I truly lived that cliche since my last post. I had to work a tradeshow in Atlantic City today. So instead of waking up in the middle of the night to get there in time to set up in the morning, I opted instead to make sales calls heading south yesterday until I got the the City Atlantic & stay over night. I arrived at Caesers Atlantic City Casino around 7:30 on Thursday night. After a 45 min rest, I decided to get a bite to eat, but I didn't have any cash to tip anybody. So I had to walk to Trump Plaza in order to find a Wachovia ATM & avoid a fee for withdrawing my cash. I took out $200, enough to tip a waiter & play a 'lil bit in the casino. After feasting on Caesers all you can eat, love handle enhancing buffet, I tried my luck in the casino. Now, I have a lil phobia of people sometimes & unless I have a person to sit w/ at a table I usually play machines in Atlantic City. I walked around Ceasers, Ballys & Wild West, getting fleeced at every machine I tried. I remembered the last thing my Babuh said to me before I headed down, "don't be upset if your luck isn't like last time" she said. Now last time I broke even, a win as far as we are concearned... So, I figured tonights not my night, I guess I don't have it tonight. I found a bar that was playing the Yankee game, had a few beers & went up to bed about $80 in the hole. Little did I know I was staying next to the "animal house" quotient of the hotel guests that night. These people were going berzerk until 4 AM.... Crazy partying... death rock style.... they were banging on the walls, smoking weed & god knows what else... I could hear their drunken conversations, & probably only got 2 hours of sleep beacause of them... In the morning I got ready for work, checked out, put my stuff in the car & went into the casino for a swan song performance of gambling for the last hour before I had to hit the show... I tried a few machines & my luck remained unchanged, it still stunk!. I walked around looking for a machine that felt right... I found a $0.25, 5x or 10x single payline slot w/ a max bet of 3 credits. Within a few minutes & won $88 & then $49, my luck had finally showed up!! I kept going, max bet, max bet, again & again... & then it happened.... 7, 10x, 10x shows on the payline!!!!!!! The machine sounds off like a fire engine in a 4th of july parade. Bells ringing, lights flashing... I was like "holy sh*t!!!!!!" Now remeber, it's like 9:00 in the morning & my blood pressure meds are barely kicking in!!!!! I figured I won a few hundred bucks.... When the Fred (the attendant who took care of me) & the other 3 staff members told me I won $3,750 I was in shock!! I guess my luck did change from my last stay in AC, it got better!!!!!!! All in total my winnings came out to $3,934 for the trip. Then all morning my phone wrang with customers placing orders.... I was making money around every corner!!!This was truly a great day!!!!! Almost as if the planets were in alignment or something... If I could've only bottled this morning up so I would be able to uncork it & enjoy it the next time we head down there!!!!! I'll talk to you rascalls soon, WANG!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

People are like ogres...

& ogres are like onions... They have layers. Yes, I found wisdom from a green syber generated animation with a scottish accent. I referenced Shrek because I am in the process of finding out how many layers my skin has.... I have been actively peeling for days now, and the end is not on the horizon... Enough on that.

Today was a rather uneventful day in the life of a heating products salesman. I did my usual duties. I wiped arses & tried to sell things in this most dredful economy of ours. I was mildly successful at both. I had to visit a jobsite where a contractor totally screwed up an installation of a boiler & control scenario... As per usual, I had to be politically correct & not totally through the contractor under the bus & vindicate our product... pretty boring stuff.

The high light of the day was doing lunch w/ my babuh. We had chinese mexican. I know, yous are all like "chinese mexican??? wtf is that??"... It was a mexican chain restaurant run by chinese people. We both had the vedgtowbow boweetow w/ chip & sawsa.. It was quite good. We both washed it down w/ a die cokes each.

As usual the day ended with a traffic ridden voyage on route 80. Of course I got honked & gestured at by this a-hole who was behind me. Did I mention we were in heavy traffic? I mean jeez, what was I supposed to do? Drive through or perhaps over the 50,000 cars in front of me? Hey, I'm all for beeping at someone who is screwing up on the road, but this person was being a bit obtuse.... & the body/hand gestures were a bit over the top. This person looked like she was having a seizure or an anusism or something... I mean sh*t, you see there is a major traffic jam, throwing a conniption will only get you mentioned on a blog at best... Oh well, thats just the New Jersey attitude... Well, hopefully tomorrow will have some more events that I can share... Until 2morrow kind people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exfoliation

So, here's my 'lil bit of advice to all white people everywhere. Never under any circumstances... I repeat NEVER are you to use any type of facial cleanser/scrub that boasts its ability to exfoliate, "refresh" or "Envigorate" your skin when you are peeling from a sunburn/tan. They should use adjectives like "remove" or "aggitate"....... Oh They'll help you shed the upper dead layer of epidermus... but they do a fatastic job of removing 2-3 other layers of skin too... I knew I was in trouble when I first put the gritty solvent paste to my face. Instantly I felt like all the menthol on the planet was being forced into every poor in my tight, scorched face... I felt the little abrasive particulate tearing into my face. I tried to rinse it off, but there was no relief.... To my horror I looked in my hands & saw my golden tan gathering in my palms as bits of dead flesh... My face tingled & burned... After gently towelling off, I looked in the mirror... I was no longer tan & healthy looking... Instead I looked like I survived a nuclear blast.... Yes, I looked like a vitcim of a chemical peel gone bad... I was as red as an apple..... To make matters worse, the security lady at the airport commented, saying "ohh, that looks like it hurts"... Yeah lady, it f*cking does!! People kept staring at me in the airport... So please, remember what I say... Never use a facial exfoliant after a week in the sun!

Marshmellow Beach

California may have Muscle Beach, & Miami may be the showplace for all the jet set pretty people with there perfectly engineered bodies, but they just can't boast the comfort and God Blessed mundane solace that Fort Myers offers to the average person (or family). Not only are the warm placid gulf waters & fine talcom like white sand a natural treasure, but the relaxed atmosphere at any of the local beaches make South West Florida a wonderful place to recharge & relax. It is a place not over populated by muscle laiden adonises or mass molded barbie dolls. In fact it is a montage of human imperfection. A place where man boobs, love handles & back hair get overlooked. A place where if you have it, & you want it tan, you can do so with out fear of being humiliated. Most of the physiques on display resemble marshmellows, albeit tan ones, but stay puft none the less. But here's the kicker, here's the catch, what makes this place so special.... It's O.K.!!!!! In our society, where most people strive for what pop culture perceives as perfection, I find comfort in knowing there is a place for us mere mortals to enjoy some sun & salt without fearing the pretentious banter that has become the norm. I can't wait for our next trip to Marshmellow Beach, & I must strongly recommend this location to anyone who wants everything the sunshine state has to offer, including a relaxed spirit & rested soul.

the home stretch

Well, we're nearing the end of our vacation. Tomorrow we head back to the cold grouperless armpit state of nueva jersey. This trip went so quick, we only had 4 days... but we made the most of it!! I have at least 2 new spots for skin cancer to develop in the next few years! Today we went to the beach by the Sanabel Island Causway. It's free & the water is awsome. My Babuh got to lay out on the beach to get sun & I went fishing & snorkling. T'was great fun 'til we got home & found out that Babuh's new Ipod got exposed to the salt water.... That means the Gulf has now claimed a cell phone & an Ipod.

As for beach odities... we seen some european dude wearing a borat swim suit....

Oh well, I'll talk to all of yous when we get back to Jersey.... Peace!

hi peeps

hi kind people! is anyone reading this?

Chorizo

I'm so burnt..... I look like one of those red wrinkley dried chorizos you see randomly hanging in the ethnic foods isle at the super market...... well, it's better than the red & white blotch burn look I was rockin' for the past 2 days..... It's like where ever the sun block was on thick I stayed white & everywhere else I burned....... It ain't easy being white...................... i can't wait to come home & peel... no body will believe we went to florida....

maybe it's the sun... maybe it's the beers I had w/ dinner (grouper reuben sandwich.... quite delish) but my babuh was just channel surfin' & found this show called " your momma don't dance" on Lifetime.... It featured a chubby middle aged lady break dancing w/ her son to the latest hiphop beats..... Dudes, it was mesmorizing

I have to log off right now.... my skin might crack if i keep typing... peace out yo.

The time...... is NOW!!!!!

Well, here we are.... My Bigtime has gone totally nuts & decided to start doing this blog thing... I figure it should be a good time... Hell, it is a great opporchancity to get a few rants off my soft, flabby, pasty chest.... If anything I hope to achieve amusing yous..... my public... I promise that my next entry won't suck as bad as this one. I'm new in town & don't really know my way 'round bloggersville yet.... But soon enough we will have a utopian blog society!!

so sleep well!! good night & god bless us every one! Talk to yous soon... a buh bye...